Based on my friends and my own experience as a child of divorce, I would like to share some real insight on what might happen to the father-mother-children (relationship) should you choose to get a divorce so you will reconsider it over and over again especially for the sake of the children. Since this is based on true experience and feelings, hope you guys can benefit from it. It could also be biased because all the contributor were practically raised by our mother and it is from the view point of the child.
Women capability of raising children on her own1. A woman alone is capable of raising her child solely without any financial help IF she has a stable well-paid job. I calculated that she must at least has an income of RM 4000 per month enough to lead on more than a decent live for herself and one child (enough to buy a comfy house and a car), attending local school (need more income for private school) – almost luxurious life but not very lavish. RM 2000 must be added for the addition of another child, each; to maintain the same situation.
2. However, when the mother is so independent she became very dominant and prominent in her children lives to the extent that the role of a father can be understated that it is almost non-existence.
3. The bad side of this is, although a woman alone can ‘act’ as the father and a mother at the same time, her love can’t compensate for the security and the air of stability provided by a father during his presence.
Importance of a child-father relationship4. The relationship between child-father especially daughter-father must be established so that when she grows up, she can still depend on the father for comfort or help in a very difficult or dangerous situation.
5. However, it can be frustrating for the daughter if she feels that the relationship with the father is not very solid, therefore, she MIGHT cling on to men that she met along her journey to adulthood making her a needy or possessive partner.
6. The relationship between child-father especially son-father must be established so that when he grows up, he can still look up to the father should the peer pressure become very intense and he is in dear need of a role model.
7. However, it can be damaging for the son if he feels that the relationship with the father is not very solid, therefore he might further distance himself from the father and shut him away completely that he does not have a male guidance at all, thus leaving him vulnerable for making bad decisions in choosing his friends and his moves in life.
Importance of a child-mother relationship8. Son that was not raised with the love of a mother (woman) will have a harden soul, most likely to NOT be a gentleman. However, most often than not, the act of coldness was in fact an attempt to mask a broken heart.
9. Daughter that was not raised with the love of a mother (woman) will be rebellious, too rebellious that it is damaging. Usually they become the prey of callous men that wanted to only take advantage. Daughter at this situation will be blinded by their own fantasy and loneliness.
Role of a father-mother10. A mother can encourage the child to be courageous, hard-working, but a father can encourage the child to be disciplined, realistic, optimistic, to have vision and to plan well.
Father-mother on regrets11. A father can have regret but do not know how to show it and choose not to and forever he bears it in his heart. Or forever distance himself from the child. Or if not, will be a better man
12. A mother can have regret but showing it too much and lobbying the children to unfairly, always be on her side.
Daughter-Son reaction on divorce13. Daughters tend to be more forgiving and understanding towards the whole divorce situation compared to sons especially for the sake of the mother. Sons, tend to hold grudges or hatred or do not care at all.
14. Therefore, divorcee has probably only one shot of a chance to develop a good loving relationship with sons, usually the most crucial part is when the son is in his toddler to teenage age. It is at this part of life the son decides who stays in his life, or who will not. The one that has no significant effect in his life at that time will probably be cast away from his life. Forever.
15. However, daughters being the forgiving and the understanding member have no age limit on when they can start to develop relationship. Usually the relationship can be established if they know that the mother or father will be ready to listen to her or to accept her whenever she encounter some troubles or issues – love, pregnancy, abortion, exams, stress, money-related.
Nafkah16. As trivial as it may seem, if the children knows that the father is not paying the ‘ nafkah’ or not consistently paying it, they will feel a sense of abandonment and neglect. Eventhough the mother can afford everything, they still feel hurt.
Child of a divorce on relationship17. Child participation in mischievous act is contributed to many factors, therefore it is unfair to blame solely on the divorce itself. However, the most important effect of divorce is when the child enters a romantic relationship; he/she will have some kind of insecurities and trust issues that may be jeopardizing their own pursuit of happiness, especially if one of the parents was cheating before.
18. They tend toa. not having guts in loveb. be loyalc. or a pathological flirtd. be possessive
19. If the daughter was raised by a very independent mother, she will not be afraid to do the same (get divorce) should her marriage turn haywire. Seeing the mother so strong, made her strong too. It led her to believe she can pull it through. Most of the time it turned to be otherwise especially if the decisions was made purely by a bruised ego or a scorn woman
20. If the son was raised by a very independent mother, he will love her and look up to women.
21. Or vice versa. He may think that it is not that bad to leave a woman as they can take care of themselves very well
Domestic violence19. A son witnessing domestic violence will hate his father.
20. Sadly, he tends to be an abuser himself.
21. A daughter witnessing domestic violence will be scared of men.
22. Sadly, she tends to compromise the value possess by a man when finding partner- as long as the guy never beat her or be violent. Sometimes, she doesn’t even care if she ends up being the whole bread winner in the family.
Losing the family23. The party that had been granted the sole custody will have the upper hand in molding the child character and spend more time with the children. You still can visit the child, but to them, if they don’t see you that often, they might as well treat you less importantly. Same goes to your advices. You will probably not be listened to.
24. When divorce happen, the child’s heart broke into pieces that will be impossible to mend. The hurt will be felt endlessly. Eventually, the more they understand about it, the more hurtful it feels. Even THAT single paper will tear them apart.
Having stepfather and stepmother25. Daughters eventually hate their stepmothers whether they show it or not. Regardless what the claim was, they tend to view the stepmother as a homewrecker and somebody that will ‘steal’ the father away.
26. It is normal for the daughter or son- to be not on talking terms with the steps
27. Sons are indifferent with stepmother but will feel jealous if they biological mother shows
favour to the stepfather instead of him.
Father’s intervention28. IS A MUST (eventhough the child is raised by the mother) if the child is suspected to be involved in:
a. drugs- taking
b. crime- committing
c. prostitution –being one
d. abusive relationship- not- yet- married- daughter is abused
e. harrasment by others
f. debt
Cooperation is needed between father and mother if29. This situation happens
a. child is kidnapped
b. child run away
c. child has suicidal behaviour
d. child is extremely sick
e. lack of money for education purposes
f. child is getting married and planning a wedding
*some of it are true and happen to me. but lain orang lain la ragam kan?*
~oo btw do read that blog. so funny~
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